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think back to those few friends, mentors, counselors, or family members who have had the biggest impact on you. how would you characterize the communication between you? was it helpful, meaningful, telepathic, or inspirational?
in one-to-one relationships with someone who knows us well, we are often in such complete synchronization that communication flows between us almost without words. or so we feel. if this is the case, is it because we excel at expressing ourselves, or because we are masters of listening? naturally, both are important, but, to turn a phrase, talk is cheap and listening is rare.
chances are that those who influence us most are powerful listeners. whether instinctively or through practice, they have developed the skill of empathy.
a university of maine researcher, dr. marisue pickering, identifies four characteristics of empathetic listeners:
l. desire to be other-directed, rather than to project one's own feelings and ideas onto the other.
2. desire to be non-defensive, rather than to protect the self. when the self is being protected, it is difficult to focus on another person.
3. desire to imagine the roles, perspectives, or experiences of the other, rather than assuming they are the same as one's own.
4. desire to listen as a receiver, not as a critic, and desire to understand the other person rather than to achieve either agreement from or change in that person.
further, she identifies ten discrete skills for empathetic listening, shown here.
skills associated with empathy
skills --- explanation
1. attending, acknowledging --- providing verbal or non-verbal awareness of the other, ie, eye contact.
2. restating, paraphrasing --- responding to person's basic verbal message.
3. reflecting --- reflecting feelings, experiences, or content that has been heard or perceived through cues.
4. interpreting --- offering a tentative interpretation about the other's feelings, desires, or meanings.
5. summarizing, synthesizing --- bringing together in some way feelings and experiences; providing a focus.
6. probing --- questioning in a supportive way that requests more information or that attempts to clear up confusions.
7. giving feedback --- sharing perceptions of the other's ideas or feelings; disclosing relevant personal information.
8. supporting --- showing warmth and caring in one's own individual way.
9. checking perceptions --- finding out if interpretations and perceptions are valid and accurate.
10. being quiet --- giving the other time to think as well as to talk.
source: pickering, marisue, "communication" in explorations, a journal of research of the university of maine, vol. 3, no. 1, fall 1986, pp 16-19.
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